It’s been too long since I last blogged. Typing this right now is bringing back lots of memories, good and bad.
As many of you know, I tried to kill myself on 5/20/2011.
This attempt was very serious. Months of planning and plotting coupled with hundreds of dollars spent on drugs from India went into it. I carried that exact date in my head for weeks – in a cruel way, it kept me going. *Please do a search if you want more info.*
Anyway, since I am no longer in that state of mind, I have been thinking a lot about how I felt then. I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts into something coherent, but they’re just not coming together. I still want to share them though. My hope is that by sharing them and starting a discussion with you (if anyone still reads this), it will bring me some closure.
So over the next few days, I will be doing a series of posts detailing some of my notes/thoughts.
Depression is waiting.
Time moved slower. I moved slower, as I waited for something – anything, really – to change. The days grew longer, and the only thing that seemed to make speed them up, were thoughts of an exit. Death, in other words.
I can’t believe it’s almost been a month since I last blogged. So much has happened.
I’m still on the Nardil, which is going really well. Depression is in check as well as the anxiety for the most part. The worst side effect is the fact that I can only sleep about 5 to 6 hours a night. I get so tired during the day, yet I still can’t get enough sleep at night. I either can’t get to sleep or I wake up and can’t fall back asleep. Fortunately, my body has adapted to it. But sometimes it’s hard to function during the day. It’s a side effect though that I’m willing to live with. Nardil has been amazing thus far.
As the title of this post suggests, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. As many of you know, I am in graduate school for library and information science. I am also working at an accounting firm. I started work at the firm thinking that it would just be temporary until I graduate; however, the work has ignitated a fire inside of me that I haven’t felt in a long time. But now I’m left not knowing what to do. Should I finish school or should I just scrap library science altogether and get into an accounting program to get my CPA?
I am still passionate about libraries, but I love what I’m doing right now. I have four more classes to take until I graduate. I can only manage taking one class a semester, so I wouldn’t graduate until Decemeber 2012 at the earliest. That could be a lot of wasted time and money and effort if I’m just going to go right back to school after I gradate.
Logically, I tell myself that it’s four classes–I should just finish. But my gut is telling me to pursue accounting, no matter the costs. I’m constantly thinking about this which is probably adding to my sleep problems.
That’s a brief summary of what’s going on right now with me. I’ll post more later this week. I miss you all, and I hope all is well. 🙂
Oh and my tattoo is finished. Email me if you’d like to see a pic.
Posted in medication