Monthly Archives: April 2011

depression as waves

Sorry, I haven’t been writing or even responding to comments. I think I know why. As depression deepens, rational thought fades away. Often I’ll sit down at the computer with intentions to write a post, but I’ll only be able to muster a few words. It used to be that I was only flooded with emotions during social situations. Now I find myself flooded most of the day.

One of the most frustrating parts of major depression–even when it’s gone–is that it strips everything from you, everything you used to enjoy in life.

I do all I can to keep the emotions at bay during work, as I work in accounting now and if I let them take control, the numbers just jumble together. Then when I leave, the emotions flood in, demanding to be seen.

I’m powerless. Calling what I’m going through “depression” is not fair. I’m not going through a tiny spell of the blues. This is something much deeper and much more profound. I don’t know what to call it other than madness. I don’t think I’ve quite gone mad yet–I’ve been able to keep my life somewhat together–but the madness is there in front of me, like a giant wave, and all I can do is hunker down in a fetal position and protect myself the best I can.

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empty shell

I’m still here. I guess. Still here, with little to say. Today I went to the grocery store, the bank, and the drug store. I walked through the park and rented a movie. I ate a burrito and drank a glass of wine. I can’t explain it but I know the depression is returning. I’m scared. The last wave changed me.

My girlfriend asked me last week “what happened to the reader, writer, runner, librarian Mike?” Depression destroyed that person. I don’t have much left. This time, the depression may leave me with nothing.

I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t go through that again.

I wish I could explain just how claustrophobic I feel right now. There’s someone else living inside of me, forcing me to think things I never imagined were possible just a few months ago.

I’m so lonely. I’m thinking about my family. I haven’t talked to any of them in months. I hope they’re okay and not worried about me.

It’s hard to form thoughts into words. When I focus on the emotions, my head begins to spin–I begin to spin. I wonder if any of you have felt like this before. I’m still here. But I feel like an empty shell.