Monthly Archives: January 2011

i miss you

I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad blogger this past month or so.

First, I decided to take a step back and see what life would be like not totally immersed in my issues. I found this experience good at first, but I missed all of you–all the blogs I used to frequent, all the people who have commented.

Second, I started my internship–at an academic library–on Monday, and I got a full-time job last Saturday at an accounting firm, which I started on Tuesday. I’m at the library for eight hours and at my job for forty plus hours. I’m also taking a class, which I’m already behind on. It’s been busy. I went from having very little social interaction to having a lot–fast. Fortunately, both my job and internship have been going well.

The library director is easy to talk to, and I get a long with her well. She coddled me a bit, but that’s okay–it was my first day, after all. I worked at the reference desk and then on a few IT-related side projects.

I still don’t really know what I’m doing at my job. I guess I’m like an administrative assistant. I do odd-jobs. The office is a complete wreck. I spent half my time trying to understand the organization of all the files. My boss enjoys power and isn’t afraid to show it. He talks down to all his employees, sometimes even in front of them. He’s nice to me, though. But who knows what he’s saying behind my back. Today he told me that I’m absolutely pleasant to be around, which felt good.

Anyway, I got side-tracked. I originally just wanted to say that I miss all of you. I’m going to be really busy the next four months, but I will try to post every now and then. But please know this: each of you will be in my thoughts.

Cheers!

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detachment

Does anybody ever feel detached from reality in social situations? It’s like I’m there, interacting and what not, but I don’t feel truly there. I don’t think I’m dissociating or anything because I’m totally aware of what’s going on. It’s more like I just feel like I don’t belong. It’s a terrible feeling.

a little down

I’ve been feeling a bit low the past few days. I really miss Kansas City and my family. Talking on the phone with them just isn’t the same.

I’ve been running a lot. I signed up for the San Francisco Marathon. Running has become something to live for. I love it. I can’t explain it. I’ve never felt like I had any true hobbies or anything I’ve really loved in this world, but I do think I’ve found something–and it’s actually healthy.

I’m still waiting to hear back about the eight jobs I applied for at the public library. I’m already starting to lose hope. I applied for some teaching English jobs abroad for after I graduate in August.

Nothing much is happening right now, really.

I am thinking about ending therapy and just seeing my hypnotherapist and continue doing CBT with her. CBT has made such a tremendous difference in my life. It’s great! I know my hypnotherapist isn’t formally qualified to be working on CBT with me, but she’s recovering from social anxiety herself and has used CBT extensively–so I feel like she’s more qualified than my therapist.

I’m also thinking of getting off the Lamictal. I do not think I have Cyclothymia. I think my deep depressions happen within the context of social anxiety.

I am starting to accept myself more. I am who I am inside–and I am starting to be okay with that. I do have limitations, but I do have many positives as well–like all people. Most days I am happy and feel good about the future. I am excited (well, most of the time) about starting my internship in a few weeks, and I am just overall liking the direction I am going.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to Nick over at The Social Phobic. He’s been away for a while but now he’s back. He inspired me to start my blog and writing about my day-to-day experiences with social anxiety.

Thanks Nick. I hope all is well.

back in san francisco

I got back yesterday. Honestly, I miss Kansas City and my family. Even though we didn’t get to talk about the letter, I think a lot was accomplished, and I had a lot of fun with my family. My relationship to them is different. On the surface, we’re the same, but deeper down, I think there’s more understanding between all of us. It’s strange being back. I feel like a part of me is still in Missouri. I feel like I could walk out of my apartment right now and be back there.

***

I’ve been thinking more about this blog and decided that I want to spend less time on it–and the “blogsphere” as a whole. I’m getting a lot out of writing about my issues, and I am so grateful for all the support I’ve received. I cannot thank you all enough. I am going to probably spend one day a week posting, answering comments, and reading other blogs.

That said, I am feeling a lot better about life in general. I’m doing more, engaging more, and, for the most part, I’m happy. There are days where I feel down, but, at the end of the day, all feels right. I think it’s a combination of all my interventions–and, again, your support. Also, over the holidays, I think I finally realized that social anxiety is my choice. That is, it’s my choice how much of my soul I put into social anxiety. I am the one in control. Social anxiety is not who I am. It’s not my friend, it’s not my child–it’s a part of me, but it’s not me.

Finally, I got runner up for Best Neurotic, Stress-Related and Somatorm Disorders Blog over at Mental Nurse for the 2010 TWIM Awards. I’m surprised, especially considering how new my blog is. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to them and to those who voted for me.

I hope everyone is well. I’m looking forward to catching up on my favorite blogs later today. And Happy New Year!