does your mother know?

So, on the way home from therapy on Tuesday I took an overdose of Ativan. The session itself was difficult, as we discussed my recent suicide attempt and the fact that I found a new therapist and would like to start seeing him next month. I also tried to ensure my therapist that the events are mutually exclusive. ( I thought this was very important.) In other words, I’ve been contemplating a change in therapists for some time now (which is true).

Furthermore, I was dreadfully scared of having to go back to work yesterday, so instead of addressing it proactively–by either talking to my therapist or boss, trying to go on disability or something, etc.–I felt it best to OD. That will grab attention, I thought; and it sure did.

Without doing much damage I skipped the emergency room and went right to my psychiatrist’s office. He suggested I spend the night somewhere safe at a urgent care clinic, which I did (which wasn’t so bad), and then possibly go on disability leave from my job. There’s also plenty of options for low-cost inpatient care treatment here in San Francisco (we love our social services here!), so that’s an option. But to be honest, I really think I just want to switch anti-depressants–to Nardil–and go back to my normal routine.

I’m proud of myself because I told both my parents what’s been going on with me over the phone, and they were both very supportive. I also texted my boss. I haven’t given him all the details yet–I just told him I couldn’t come in because I had a psychiatric emergency. He’s provided support, and he wants me to call him–and I will as soon as I get up the courage.

I am feeling loads better. I see my psychiatrist again today to hopefully get on Nardil. I am also no longer feeling suicidal. Yay!

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10 responses to “does your mother know?

  1. I’m sorry to hear about the OD but SUPER HAPPY that you’re feeling better and no longer suicidal. I’m glad you came out the other side and were able to reach out for help and being honest about your situation. You’re miles ahead of some of us in these departments 🙂

    • Thanks. I’m honestly feeling a little hazy about the whole situation. I guess that’s understandable. I just wish it didn’t take a crisis for me to finally be honest and ask for help.

  2. It s been a long time since I came here to read your lovely written blog.
    I am glad you’re patents are aware of your current mental status and appear supportive. You’ve got plenty of allies in the management of your current depressive state.
    As I just bought the “Underachiever’s Manifesto” after the recommendations of one of your blod reader I thought I could share a book I discovered in my counselor waiting room on my way to deal with my generalized anxiety disorder (bring on the label). It s called “I had a black dog” by Matthew Johnstone in reference to how Churchill used to call his depression. It’s mainly drawings over 20pages and if you ve got it in your library I advise you to have a quick read through – it did the trick for me and bring me some smile in fact.
    Hope you re dog will leave you in peace soon. Take care of yourself.

  3. decidetodecideetc

    Wow, it would never occur to me to make a half-hearted suicide attempt to get out of work. I’d just call in sick or take a vacation day.
    If I decide to kill myself, I will succeed as I’ll probably do it at least 2 different ways – in the garage, with the motor running and a bottle of Xanax and a bottle of wine – unless I can think of a third method to use at the same time to ensure success.

    • I wasn’t consciously ODing to get out of work. It was more like I didn’t want to return to reality. Picking myself up, brushing myself off, and getting on with my life has been difficult. I didn’t want to do it, so I pushed myself even further down. Since then, I’ve been able to get the support I need to move on.

  4. Sounds like a tough time for you, but I’m glad that you have arrived at some decisions and came out of it unscathed.

    Telling people about what you’re going through is so important, and it is good to read that your parents are supportive. Often, there’s this perverted sense of having to bear it all alone that makes the depression even more difficult.

    I never had the courage to tell my employer – the one time I had to ask if I could leave earlier because there had been no other free time slot for therapy that week, I told the team it was because of a thyroid examination. In retrospect, I believe the reaction would have been an understanding one and perhaps I should have disclosed what was going on much earlier. It cost so much energy to keep the facade up and hide the low moods, panic attacks and cognitive problems, and I was consantly afraid of being found out as a “fraud”.

    Best of luck, I hope all turns out well.

    • Thanks! I haven’t told my employer everything. In fact, I really only told him that I had a psychiatric emergency and had to spend the night in an urgent care clinic–that could mean a lot of things. I am going to be honest about my depression, but I’m probably not going to tell him about my suicide attempt or OD. I may just say I felt like I wanted to do it, so I went and got help. I don’t think everybody needs to know everything. I still need some boundaries.

  5. Glad to hear you’re feeling better, even if it did take an OD to get to that point.

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