I just thought I’d summarize my recent events surrounding suicide ..
February 14th: I took too many Vicodins and ended up in the emergency room. I’m not entirely sure if I wanted to kill myself, but my normal destructive methods of dealing with pain weren’t working–so I tried to knock myself out.
May 14th: I had been planning to kill myself for months. I laid out all the pills, which I won’t mention by name as I don’t want to trigger anyone (anymore than I probably already am–sorry!), but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I drank 16 beers, and took a few sedatives while blacked out. I woke up the next day hungover but alive.
May 20th: This is the day that I had been planning to kill myself for over two months. Again, I laid out the pills, and again, I couldn’t do it.
May 24th: Not wanting to return to reality–that is, school, my job, reconnecting with friends, etc.–I purposely overdosed on sedatives. My plan was a success: I ended up in an urgent care clinic and got to avoid dealing with life for another few days.
I’m now having to pick up the pieces, rummaging through the ruins I’ve left behind. I’m back at work. I’m talking to friends. It’s hard. But I am alive.