I just thought I’d summarize my recent events surrounding suicide ..
February 14th: I took too many Vicodins and ended up in the emergency room. I’m not entirely sure if I wanted to kill myself, but my normal destructive methods of dealing with pain weren’t working–so I tried to knock myself out.
May 14th: I had been planning to kill myself for months. I laid out all the pills, which I won’t mention by name as I don’t want to trigger anyone (anymore than I probably already am–sorry!), but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I drank 16 beers, and took a few sedatives while blacked out. I woke up the next day hungover but alive.
May 20th: This is the day that I had been planning to kill myself for over two months. Again, I laid out the pills, and again, I couldn’t do it.
May 24th: Not wanting to return to reality–that is, school, my job, reconnecting with friends, etc.–I purposely overdosed on sedatives. My plan was a success: I ended up in an urgent care clinic and got to avoid dealing with life for another few days.
I’m now having to pick up the pieces, rummaging through the ruins I’ve left behind. I’m back at work. I’m talking to friends. It’s hard. But I am alive.
I am not sure how you manage to be so truthful in your description of these events, but I think that ‘s really valuable to move forward. I tend to lie to myself and my brain is so amazing I manage to believe to my own lies sometimes 🙂
I know you ve been quoting Albert Camus and I thought I could share two quotes that I believed apply to you and this blog.
“Le grand courage, c’est encore de tenir les yeux ouverts sur la lumière comme sur la mort” –> the great courage is still to keep your eyes open as much about light as about death.
“I discovered once more at Tipasa that one must keep intact in oneself a freshness, a cool wellspring of joy, love the daylight that escapes injustice and return to the fight having won that light. Here once more I found the former beauty, a young sky, and I measured my good fortune, realizing at last that in the worst years of our madness the memory of this sky had never left me. It was this which in the end had saved me from despair … In the middle of winter, I at last learned that there was in me an invincible summer.
At this point, really the only thing I can do is be honest with myself. It’s a start. I’m trying to be more honest with others about my issues, but I have a long way to go. Thanks for sharing those quotes. That second quote, especially, gives me hope. It’s like he found a memory deep within him of an earlier, better time and finally realized that he had those memories still with him–and the capacity to experience those same happy moments all along.
I’m glad you’re alive Mike. And I’m sad you felt so much despair. Talking to friends is always good, expressing yourself.
Thanks for your honesty. It sometimes is very lonely thinking that you are the only one who goes through this. I’m glad you’re alive. It definitely would not be the same without you, Mike.
Thanks! The same goes for you. 🙂
Hey Mike. I’ve read your recent entries, earlier last week, and I have to say I was scared and shocked. I can’t say that I’ve ever been in that situation, but everyone has a reason for wanting an exit out. I’m just glad you didn’t. I’m glad to read your writings again. I’m glad to see you trying to manage and work through it. I’m happy to see you on this site again. Thanks for the comments you sent me last week and I’m just glad for everything. Take Care, Josh.
Thanks! Yes, it’s been a very difficult few months. In retrospect, if feels very surreal. I’m afraid that those thoughts could come back at any moment with little warning, but I hope I have enough support in place to be able to better weather the storm when they do come. Thanks for the comment. It’s good to hear from you.