no direction

There’s no way around it: the depression has lifted. Unfortunately, now that I’m no longer depressed, I have to deal with the triggers as well as finding preventions so I don’t get trapped again.

I feel good so far about Nardil. I’m still in the early phase, so I’m on a very low dose and experiencing no side-effects (but no benefits either), but I do feel hopeful about this drug. I’ve never felt good about medication in the past. I question it. I think about it too much–Is it working? Is this me or the medication? Etc. But I’m not doing that this time. I have faith, I guess.

The bigger issue for me is what direction should I go in career-wise. I feel stuck. I don’t like my accounting job–and I dislike my boss even more–but I could stick it out just because it’s easy if it paid more. My boss, on the other hand, believes I want more from the job. He wants me to eventually take over running the business. Again, I have no idea what he sees in me. Regardless, the work is not something I particularly like doing and I don’t feel like the work helps people–so I’m not fulfilled at the moment.

Then there’s my education. For those who don’t know, I’m in graduate school, training to become a librarian. I have 3 classes left to take. I guess this is the ideal path for me because I may get more enjoyment out of the work and it definitely helps people. But I’m worried that I won’t be able to find a job after I graduate. I wish I could just push my worries aside, let things happen, and worry about finding a job when I’m actually finding a job .. but that’s not me.

So, at the moment I feel lost. When the episode of major depression hit, I had just started my accounting job. I cannot ignore that. I think that when you’re already dealing with mental health issues, dissatisfaction with other life circumstances–i.e., my job–can make it seem like your issues are even more insurmountable, which exasperated my depression.

I have no answers right now, and I probably won’t have any answers for a while. One day I may be content with my circumstances, just not today. I guess that’s okay for right now.

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13 responses to “no direction

  1. If you’ve been depressed as long as I have, it almost sucks when the depression lifts and I’m left with my sucky life.
    For me, it means I have to go out and get a life – there’s no excuse not to…

  2. It’s great your depression has lifted Mike. It seemed to be severe.It is too bad you can’t enjoy the reprieve for a bit and just rest and get back your strength before worrying about career and such. I think worries of one kind or another are always with us, but mental illness doesn’t have to be. take care now

    • I know you’re right. I wish I could just enjoy life for a while rather than moving on to the next thing I need to worry about. I’m doing my best, though, to stay present and just live, rather than constantly worrying. Thanks!

  3. Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

  4. I’m glad for you that your depression has lifted and that you’re feeling optimistic about the Nardil, Mike. Hopefully things will be easier to figure out regarding your job now that you’re feeling better, but I think you want to be a librarian 🙂
    Your boss knows you’re in library school, right? So why would he think you’d give that all up to take over his business?

  5. He does know I’m in school. He’s asked me many times if I want a career change. I’m good with numbers and have excellent attention to detail, so I’m good at accounting. I’m easily persuaded and don’t really have a sense of what I really want to do with my life, so I haven’t given him a straight answer.

    I’m honestly scared about becoming a librarian. I’m scared of not being able to find a job. Again, I’m ahead of myself, as always.

  6. Looks like we are in a somewhat similar phase right now – out of depression, but left to deal with the accompanying problems.

    Glad to hear you’re feeling good about Nardil; really hope this one works out for you.

    I think you should give the whole librarian part a go. If it doesn’t work out, you can still go back to doing something else, but otherwise there might be a considerable danger of finding yourself in accounting a couple of years from now, mourning the missed chance.
    Of course, as an outsider, it’s easy to toss out advice, I realize that. After all, it’s you who has to live with the consequences, so I really understand why you are uneasy about it.

    • Thanks! I’m going to just play it out. Hopefully, me not committing 100% to my current job and still focusing on school, won’t get me laid off or fired. I’m so close to graduating that I need to finish grad school either way. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

  7. Hey man, it’s Joe from livingwithanxiety.net
    I apologize I have not been able to read your other posts as I am pretty busy usually. Anyways I think what has worked for me so far is those index cards that remind you of the positives and or rational thoughts that replace the negatives. You right down the negative thought, turn over the card and write the opposite. For so long I was just “coping” with everything, but now I have stepped it up slightly with flash cards on my smart phone (android).

    But thinking the situation through aswell, writing down the situation even and writing down after that the positive side to it, or the rational thought, whatever, that works supremely well for me as long as I read it when I think about it again. We tend to let ourselves leave the negative thoughts drift in our minds I guess, at least I did for a long time. Maybe there are better accounting jobs out there, or if you are going to wait until your finished school, and find a librarian job definitely wait until then and as for now just try your best at your job, and you’ll know your in the right, dont worry about your boss wanting to take over the business, if it’s not what you want, it’s not what you want, and working with people is always different than being friends. So if you dont picture your boss as being your friend anytime soon, just do the best you can, work hard, you know your in the right, and you probably wont ever talk back to him if he says something offending as our social anxiety keeps us from it. I hope it all works out man, I’ll try my best to stay updated with your blog posts. I have been blogging regularly aswell. Good luck my friend, stay the course, keep going. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.

    • Thanks buddy. I’ve been busy as well so I haven’t been able to check up on your blog either. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ve been sort of thinking a lot of the same things you suggested. I’ll check up on your blog soon. Take care.

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