Tag Archives: holidays

happy thanksgiving

I had a good Thanksgiving. My girlfriend and I stayed the night at her brother’s house on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got up early, went for a short run, popped an Ativan (plus my normal medication), and started cooking.

It was a relaxing morning, spent with my girlfriend and her brother and sister-in-law. I felt calm and at ease. I’ve been spending more time with them as of late, and thus am feeling a lot more comfortable around them. I wouldn’t say I’ve connected more with them; it’s more like I’m easing up a bit around them and overall less tense because I’ve been seeing so much of them lately (see my issue on constancy for more info).

I took another Ativan before the rest of the family arrived, and when they arrived (10 in all), I tried to stay as busy as possible–I helped in the kitchen, played with the cat, set the table, etc.–and, honestly, I felt good. In all, it was a success–and I actually enjoyed myself!

The medication really helped. Unlike in the past, I took it preemptively. That is, I took the Ativan as soon as I felt an inkling of anxiety in my body, instead of waiting until I was flooded. This helped to break the anxiety cycle. By taking the medication early, I didn’t allow the anxiety (thoughts and physical symptoms) to build on itself. In other words, I broke the cycle before I reached a point where nothing, not even numbing myself on alcohol, can bring relief.

I noticed a huge difference in my thoughts, as well. They weren’t as negative. More neutral, I guess. This can be attributed directly to CBT. It’s really starting to help, especially when coupled with medication. I’m breaking up the negative thought patterns and experiencing less anticipatory anxiety.

Speaking of which, this past week or two, I’ve been able to manage my anticipatory anxiety better. Writing, exercising, working on school, that sort of thing, has helped me to avoid my negative thoughts. Instead of wallowing in my negative thoughts, I’ve been active.

I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to approach Thanksgiving as a social experiment–to see if I could avoid becoming flooded. Well, I succeeded, and I am proud of myself. I also felt very connected to people, and I do believe (for now, at least) that the people around me care about me and my well being. At the dinner table, we all went around the table saying what we were grateful for. When it came to be my turn, I said–

“I’m grateful for being surrounded by such wonderful people who care about me.” In my head I told myself that I was grateful for just being able to connect with my thoughts in a group social situation–and not feeling flooded from talking in a circle. (Usually when there’s a group circle where people go around introducing themselves or something, I get flooded. I DO NOT like those situations at all.)

Finally, as weird as this sounds, I’m actual looking forward to future social situations to see how I fare. I want to build on this success. I want to experiment more.

I want to say more, but I’m really tired (I’m sure that’s reflected in this post) and need sleep. So, I’m off to bed. Good night. I hope everyone is doing well. 🙂

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high to low and back again

I started writing this post yesterday afternoon, and it was originally called, stable .. for now, but nothing I wrote felt right, and by the evening I had abandoned it altogether. Some highlights–

I’ve been fairly stable since the wedding. That is, not depressed. I’m caught up with schoolwork again, and I’m starting to enjoy activities again, like reading, writing, running, and cooking. (I even went to a yoga class on Friday!) I’m looking forward to seeing my student on Wednesday and tutoring in general (I volunteer at an adult literacy center), as well as Thanksgiving. (I’m not delighted about being around fourteen people, but I do want to see if my mood holds up and how, or if, that will affect the outcome of the social situation. Plus, I want to test out some of my new cognitive techniques. So, it’s not so much about the social situation itself; it’s more about seeing whether I can get through it without being flooded with anxiety [an experiment, really]. And I’m actually feeling more confident that I will be able to do just that, and if I don’t–NO BIG DEAL!)

I’ve been doing lots of CBT lately. I still don’t know whether it’s working or not–whether it’s affecting deeper change–but I do know that it’s changing the way I think. I’m more positive and upbeat. I haven’t been engaging in my normal destructive behaviors of finding faults in the past and using those to ruin the present, etc. It’s a strange feeling, really. I’m not comfortable with feeling good–or, more precisely: not feeling bad. I guess I’ve just been feeling neutral lately. I look to the future and I don’t get the hopelessness that I got a week ago; it’s more like a staleness.

Finally, I’m also excited about trying a new drug. I’m not comfortable with taking Klonopin daily, so I’m going to talk to the pdoc on Tuesday about trying an MAOI–Nardil. A friend of mine who also has social anxiety is on it and I have noticed a huge difference in her behavior. Yes, MAOIs have some pretty bad side effects and you have to be on a strict diet to avoid hypertension, but maybe the ends will justify the means (for once)? I just have to talk my pdoc into it, because he had a patient die while on Nardil because s/he ate the wrong kind of cheese (aged) and didn’t seek medical attention.

Anyway, somewhere between writing and watching a football game and reading and taking a bath, my mood changed. By the end of the night, I was pretty low. Actually, I could feel my mood turning pretty much throughout the evening. My energy level dropped, and I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. I’ve been pretty hyper (or hypomanic) this past week. I’ve bounced from activity to activity to activity. I haven’t given myself much leisure time or given myself time to think about things, which is good and bad. Sure, I didn’t think about the bad things, but I also didn’t get to process and own my negative feelings. I pretty much suppressed everything throughout the week, and maybe some of the those feelings were coming up while I was writing.

It’s a strange feeling knowing that your mood is going to turn. I started to panic a little, actually. I wanted to do everything I could to stop it from happening. I stopped writing altogether, and I tried to just sink into the feelings a little with the hopes of crying. I always feel better after I cry. I think it allows some of the feelings to release. It’s healthy. But it’s very hard for me, especially now that I’m on medication. I need to find more triggers. Last week I found a good song that brought me into tears almost immediately but I played it like ten times over the week, so when I listened to it last night, nothing happened. I need to find more triggers. What works for you?

I’m also very stressed about school and the holidays in general. I have three papers and two presentations to do in less than a month. The papers are no big deal. Sure, they’ll be a lot of work, but I’m more worried about the presentations. For those who don’t know, I’m in an online graduate program studying Library and Information Science. I’m becoming a librarian. Anyway, the presentations are done over a conference call, and even though they aren’t in person, I’m still a little upset about them. CBT is helping, though–I may have had lots of anxiety in the past, but I’m doing better. And it may not go exactly how I want it too, but I will get through it–and it will be okay. Again, I don’t know how much of that’s suppressing my feelings and how much of that is subtly dealing with the feelings but not letting them take control. I don’t know.

The holidays are another big thing. Thanksgiving is coming up. As I said before, I’m going over to my girlfriend’s brothers, where fourteen people from her family will be there. I am still hopeful that I’ll be able to get through it without getting flooded–with the help of Ativan and Propranolol, of course. I’m counting on there being a little anxiety there, just not the debilitating kind like I had at the wedding. I want to be able to converse with people and smile and not have to worry about sweating through three sets of shirts and looking like a complete idiot all the time.

I’ll address Christmas at a later date.

So, with my mood rapidly changing, and without being able to release some of the pent-up emotions through crying, I went to bed feeling like I’d wake up feeling even worse. But here I am. I feel a little down, a little stressed and depressed, but a little happy and hopeful too. Maybe I avoided a depression? I don’t know, only time will tell. But for now I am going to continue with what I’m doing: schoolwork, running, keeping myself busy.

Oh and I probably won’t be updating much until the end of the semester (12/9). I hope you are all doing well, by the way.

Finally, I’m curious how you deal with things when you know your mood is getting ready to turn. Do you just accept it, knowing you can’t change it, and try to do your best to weather the storm? Or are you more proactive about it–are there ways for you to avoid the depression altogether, or at least lesson the severity of it?

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you. 🙂