in the library

Another up and down week for me, most of it spent in the library. There’s a special place I like to go to that’s hidden away from the main portions of the library. I don’t have to see anybody, and people don’t have to see me. I just plug in my headphones, work on homework, and stare at lots and lots of books. I haven’t had much social interaction this week except on Tuesday. I may feel more comfortable tucked away in the library, but it’s also very lonely. Even though social situations are hard for me, I need them–we all do. I should try to see some friends, but it’s so hard and I’ve grown apart from many of them. I don’t know how to reconnect with them now that I’ve pushed them away.

I felt depressed on Wednesday and Thursday. It wasn’t the all-pervading-I-can’t-work-on-anything-right-now depression that I’ve been getting, but it still affected me. I got very little done those days. I didn’t binge, though. But that’s not because I didn’t want to. I probably would have if my girlfriend hadn’t been home. Maybe I should give myself more credit? Or not. I did go on a quasi-binge on Thursday. I had a gigantic sandwich for lunch and a bag of chips, followed by a gigantic Sprite, which I drank in the bathtub (with dirty bath water because I haven’t showered in a few days) while watching Pi. I then snacked on an English muffin and a protein shake, went to the library, and then had three donuts for dinner. Actually, it sounds less like a binge and more like a really, really shitty diet. I don’t usually eat this bad, by the way. The depression’s still with me right now, but it’s shifted more to the background. It’s like an annoying hum: it’s there and I can work on things, yet there’s this feeling of hopelessness there too. What am I doing with my life?! I feel like I’m sinking a little deeper each day. Each small depression is getting bigger and bigger; yet, the BIG ONE hasn’t hit yet this week. I’m overdue.

Right now, I’ve got this urge–this itch–to drop what I’m doing and go home and binge. I had this same feeling yesterday. I’m worried that if I keep prolonging the inevitable, the depression will just keep growing and growing. I have to push it back down with food. I have to feed it. It’s the only way.

Yesterday at the library I had a brief yet difficult social experience. I’ve been sick most of the week, and I had a terrible cough yesterday. I uncomfortably suppressed it most of the day, but at the end of the day, when I thought no one else was around, I stopped caring about how much and how loud I coughed–I just let go. Anyway, a guy walked up to me and said, “Tuberculosis?”

I had my headphones on but I still heard him but I pretended I didn’t, and so I asked, “Excuse me?”

He just stared at me, taking me in. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and he was tall and muscular, and he didn’t blink, not once. I couldn’t take it so I turned back to my computer.

“Do you have Tuberculosis?” he finally said.

“I don’t think I have Tuberculous, no.”

“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone cough so loud before in my life.”

“Sorry, I’m trying to keep it under control,” I said, pointing at my bag of cough drops. “I didn’t think I was coughing that loud”

Again, he gave me this death stare. Again, he didn’t blink. Again, I couldn’t take it, so I turned back to my computer. Finally he said: “I see. It must be very hard for you.” Then he walked away.

What a dick! I should have either told him to fuck off (I didn’t) or got up and left (I didn’t do that either). Instead, I just sat there, trying to finish up some homework, trying not to cough. I choked several times suppressing my urge to cough. Finally my urge was so great I had to leave the library. I stormed out of there fast, afraid I would run into him again.

In retrospect, I felt like I was twelve again. I felt like I was back in middle school being bullied. God I feel pathetic right now.

Also, I’ve got to stop reading people’s opinions and anecdotes about their experiences with medication. As you know, I’m starting Lamotrigine / Lamictal soon, and I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Internet reading about the drug. It sounds like withdrawal is pretty tough. I’m scared now to try it, and I’m questioning whether I really need it.

I haven’t organized my email in a few weeks, messages are piling up. I haven’t showered in like three days. I haven’t changed my shirt in even longer. I probably stink. I need to organize my finances. I’m still behind on school. My best friend called me last Thursday, and I haven’t returned his call. I have so much to do, and yet all I can think about is binging. So much to do, and yet life just keeps moving.

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