No Relief

I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety and depression these past few days. I honestly don’t know how I’m writing this post right now. My thoughts feel far away, I can’t connect with them. I wish I could describe to you the feelings going on inside my body–but I just can’t. My hands are pretty much shaking right now. I’m honestly scared. All I can think about is food, alcohol, and Ativan–those are the only things that will bring me relief. I’m going to try to push through it and just sit here and suffer, but I don’t know how long I can hold out for. I need relief.

Depression hit me on Friday, which carried into Saturday and on into today. I can’t seem to shake it. I tried drinking on Friday, and I binged on food yesterday. Neither brought any relief.

Anxiety has been with me too, especially anticipatory. I have to go to another interview at the library I’m trying to intern at in the Spring tomorrow. Supposedly I have to meet with all the librarians at once. All ten of them. I’ve been going over in my mind what that will be like. In every scenario I fail, and even when I do win, and get the internship, things will just get worse, because I will then actually have to engage with people in the Spring. A part of me doesn’t want to get this internship at all. I’d rather just sit at home, where I feel comfortable.

I increased my dose of Lamictal today to 50 mg. I really wish that would start working, I want to feel some relief, but for now all I feel like doing is covering myself with a blanket and crying.

What’s more, outside it’s sunny and warm, and all I can think about is everybody else in the world enjoying the day, without me.

I want to say more, but I can’t.

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4 responses to “No Relief

  1. I know it can be hard to rationalise the world when you are in the dark place, but in France we ve got this expression : “Demain est un autre jour” = Tomorow is another day. You re going to meet librarians who by definition share your passion – that should be reassuring. I wish you all the best.

    • Wow. I started feeling a little better last night, but then I woke up around 3:30 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I ended up having to cancel the interview anyway, because I had to confirm some things with my school first. It’s interesting that you bring up the issue of passion. I have so many different passions, but they’re all dependent on my social anxiety. I would like to volunteer more, but then that means I would have to interact with people more. A few years ago I volunteered at a rescue shelter for children, but instead of actually working with the children (which most people like to do) I helped design their website. The people working there couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to work directly with the children.

      Anyway, I appreciate the positive feedback.

  2. I know it’s difficult to think otherwise when things are so bleak, but remember that it does get better, even if only slightly. I was where you are a few weeks ago. Things have improved to the point where I can function somewhat. It’s just a matter of time.
    I wish you the best at your interview tomorrow.

    • I know. It’s so easy to forget. Things are getting better slowly, but I’ve been taking baby steps–a phone call here, an interview there, etc. But nothing like a huge, ten-person group interview. I’m not ready for that. I ended up having to cancel, because I have to confirm a few things with my school. But I’ll probably just have to do it next week. Ahhh!

      Also, I really thought I had a handle on my mood swings as of late. But this past week, I’ve been up and down, mostly down. Going into a social situation when I’m feeling depressed doesn’t help.

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