Leisure Time

This post got me thinking ..

Even though I’m not working, the past few months have been pretty hectic for me. School work has been slowly piling up as the semester moves on. I’ve also been experiencing quite a bit more depression as of late. Some days I can’t do anything at all for school, and so I’m always having to play catch up. This blog has also been taking up a lot of my time. Writing and doing research for posts, responding to comments and emails, etc. I spend at least an hour on a social anxiety message forum each day, as well. Talk therapy, hypnotherapy, yoga, meditation, CBT … it all adds up. It’s all too much.

I can’t imagine adding a job to the mix. Dealing with my anxiety is a full-time job in itself, and I feel like I have to push myself more and more to overcome it–and I’m starting to think that’s not the right answer.

And when I look ahead, all I see is stress, and this stress leads to anticipatory anxiety. November is a mess: I have a wedding to go to, there’s Thanksgiving, and I have to give two class presentations. December’s even worse: Christmas, New Years, and party after party after party, all of which I probably won’t go to, which will make me feel like crap (actually, it already is).

My days are so full I have no time to think and just be present. I think we’re all conditioned to believe that if we’re not doing something productive, then we’re just wasting time. (Again, this is fuel for my perfectionism.) As a whole, we need to slow down, we need to relax, we need to enjoy (and learn to accept) our leisure time. I cannot keep going at the pace I’m at; it’s not helping to ease my anxiety; in fact, it’s doing just the opposite: it’s fueling it.

I want to do less. I need to keep up with school work, but I want to put less pressure on myself to always stay ahead. It’s okay not to get an A on every assignment; it’s okay to turn an assignment or two in late; it’s okay to fail–sometimes it’s the only way to learn. I want to put some boundaries on how much I work on this blog and answer emails and browse message forums. I want to take the train less and bike and walk more. Instead of taking the elevator I want to take the stairs. Instead of manically trying to fill my days with activity after activity after activity, I need to slow down and learn to accept my thoughts and anxieties and depressions, rather than pushing them aside–and hiding.

I want to have time for myself. I want to have time to think. And live. And be.

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5 responses to “Leisure Time

  1. I know the feeling all too well. I have so many things to do, and feel so pressured; I cannot stand it. Do what is best for you.

    I have baby showers, a wedding, the holidays coming up not to mention cleaning my house, trying to get myself straight and in the proper mindset for life. It is all so overwhelming.

  2. As far as blogging goes, I don’t spend a lot of time on it anymore. I used to when it was new, but now it barely takes me any time to write a post, because I only write when the thoughts are right there, screaming to be typed up. Perhaps cutting back on the amount of time your spend on this place would be a good place to start, although that is hard when the blog is relatively new.

    About the rest, I don’t have any good advice, which will be no surprise to you, given it was my blogpost about doing too much and not giving myself a break that inspired this one! 😉

  3. I’m also feeling overwhelmed about the amount of information I’m taking in each day, especially with the impending elections. Information overload is a big problem for me, and the rest of society. There’s just so much more information available today than like ten years ago. It’s almost impossible to filter it all.

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