two things I greatly dislike ..

.. and by greatly dislike, I mean hate.

First, I hate being referred to in the third person when someone is talking to someone else, and yet I’m present. It’s patronizing. And this only seems to happen when I’m around my girlfriend’s family. For example–

“I like the length of his beard and hair,” my girlfriend’s dad said to my girlfriend, while I was standing next to them.

“Does he know how to get home?” her brother asked her, while I was in the car.

“Can you picture Mike on the dance floor?” her other brother asked, as if I wasn’t there.

It’s like I’m there, but not really there.

Second, I hate it when someone is saying goodbye to a group and they shake everyone’s hands, except mine, give everyone hugs, but me, and wave goodbye and smile to everyone, but me. This happens a lot, and I’m left standing there feeling like an idiot (like I should have initiated some sort of goodbye), waving and smiling, without being acknowledged. It also leaves me feeling like I’ve done something wrong.

It’s as though as I don’t exist.

Does either of these things happen to any of you? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion, like most everything else?

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26 responses to “two things I greatly dislike ..

  1. Ooh, I would hate those things too. I don’t think they happen to me, but I don’t hang around with many people. Did your girlfriend notice these things happening? Did she say anything? If she didn’t notice, did you mention them to her?

    • As for the 3rd person issue, she didn’t notice, but I did point it out to her. She sort of shrugged it off, as if it was just some silly thing her family does. But it happens outside her family too. It just puts more pressure on me to speak more and be noticed, which fuels the anxiety.

  2. I’m not sure about these specific situations happening to me, but I can relate to not liking being ignored. The second situation sounds like it would bring about some awkwardness and feeling awkward is definetely one of my hates.

    Take care,
    Cassie

  3. Yes these things are very common for me. It’s also hard to accept it when it currently happens, and then the ant’s lies come in telling you your a loser and that you will never be like them. Lies are as deceiving as the word sounds. Negative feedback or in other words “sarcasm” from other people is very comparable to the way the ANT’s speak to us until we try to block them out. Except its like it’s ten times worse when a human being says it in front of us. But I’ve somewhat accepted most of that negative feedback knowing the person is better off not knowing me or being a friend if they are going to be sarcastic fucks. That’s my own opinion on that subject as a whole…

    • Yeah, it’s hard to ignore the negative thoughts when the are continuously reinforced by peoples’ behavior and actions towards me. If I go into a situation telling myself that I’m a like-able person who deserves to be seen and heard, I can somewhat keep the negative thoughts under control. Yet, if someone does ignore me or something, it just fuels the thoughts–and sometimes it can get to the point where I feel out of control.

  4. I feel your pain. When I was in college and decided to grow a beard, my dad would say to my mom “Is he going to shave?” as we were eating dinner. She’s yell at him “He’s right there! Why don’t you ask him?!” It pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time..

    • In that situation it sounds more your dad was just joking around, which could be the same in my case. I mean, my g/f did say that their family just does that sometimes where they refer to everybody in third person, as they think it’s funny. (But I’ve only seen them do it to me.) I didn’t really believe her. But I’m probably overreacting and over-analyzing, as usual.

  5. I’ve had the not saying good-bye thing happen to me. I kind of let it roll of my back. What really gets me is when people don’t say hello, if I say it first. That really brings out the anger in me. That happened recently with someone in my own home! A colleague of my husband’s walked in and when I approached him and introduced myself, he totally snubbed me and started talking to someone who was in the adjoining room. It made me crazy. My very silly reaction was to sternly and loudly tell him to take off his shoes in the house (it’s a house rule). Anyway, he apologized and did it and then I didn’t talk to him the rest of the night. It also happened a few weeks ago when I walked into class and said ‘hello’ to the only other person in the room and she kind of looked at me, then turned away. wtf?!
    Also…on a few occasions waiters have forgotten that my order ever existed. That just made me sad. Oh! And laser paper towel dispensers never acknowledge my existence…I’ll stop now.

    • The hello thing happens to me occasionally, too. Usually when I’m introduced to a large group of people. I never know what to do. Do I go shake all of their hands? That seems weird. So, I normally wave and do my best to smile and say hello. Last time it happened, at the wedding from a few weeks ago, no one acknowledged me. I told myself they could see how anxious I was and much I didn’t want to be there. I have more trouble with the motion-activated soap dispensers. I just tried using one and it didn’t work, so I moved over a sink, and then someone else got the other one to work. WTF

  6. I experienced those two things a lot at work. I think it is only natural for anyone to feel hurt when treated like that. Sorry to hear that you experience those things when you spend time with your girlfriend and her family. You’re not alone, my friend!!

  7. I can relate to feeling ignored and invisible. Sucks.

    I also have the opposite, I can be very exuberent at times and people can laugh at me for that.

    Both get my back up big time, but I am learning not to overreact about it. I figure, most people don’t realise how hurtful they are being. I have found acting the opposite to what they expect can work wonders at times.

    *Hugs*

    • Or: maybe next time I could do the snubbing? I could say goodbye to no one and refer to people in third person?

      • I guess I meant, if people expect me to be the joker, I can be serious sometimes. Act more like an adult. If they expect me to be aggressive, I smile calmly and keep my voice lowered. If they expect me to be withdrawn, I become chatty.

        I can’t do it all the time, depending on how strong the mood swing is. But it’s good to be able to take people off their guard. And it requires an ability to be able to read other people, in my case, because I change so much, so do their expectations of me. It’s a challenge, I like challenges. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. I was wondering, with your GF’s family, do they know you have difficulty with social situations? I’m wondering because maybe they are trying not to make you feel uncomfortable with the good-bye thing and it just backfired?

    Third person stuff, sucks. I’ve had it happen too, but not to the degree that you mentioned. Or if it did, it was spread out more.

    • Yes, they know–but they don’t understand. I don’t think anyone can understand, unless they suffer from it too. It’s not just her family, though–which makes it worse. The only examples I could think of at the time were from them, but I know it happens more.

      That said, her family is still very supportive of my issues, even if they don’t truly understand what I’m going through. I think it’s especially difficult for people, because on the outside I may look and act fine–maybe just a little reserved and quiet–so they don’t know what’s going on. I do the same, though, when I judge people. It’s just not fair to compare how one feels on the inside to how someone looks on the outside.

  9. Can I be honest?…I do think you’re blowing things out of proportion. Essentially it’s your issue and nobody elses. I’m sure they mean no disrespect. ….ok, perhaps I’ve overstepped, but I come from a long time of dealing with insecurities, and one day I finally realized that nothing was that big a deal in my life unless I made it so.

    • Hi Sandra. I appreciate your honesty, and I do agree with you. I’m hyper-sensitive to my surroundings, over-analyze situations, and overall think negative about almost everything. That said, I understand how I create meaning in this world isn’t the best. But I’m trying to change. I hope I can came to a similar realization that you had soon. (I mean, I already understand it logically .. but that doesn’t seem to help.)

  10. I’ve had these things happen to me quite a few times, and really dislike both of them. Personally, I kinda make a game out of it and try to figure out why people do these things. The first thing you named is kinda hard to pinpoint but the second thing, I found people do this when they either think you don’t care or are not sure you like them because you didn’t talk to them much. Either that or they just don’t care, and if they don’t care then it’s probably not someone I want to know anyway. Also in just about any situation, people feel awkward around people that don’t talk much or are not outgoing because they can’t read your emotions as easily as others. Anyway, that’s just me and I’ll stop ranting. ๐Ÿ˜›

  11. You’re right in that people do feel awkward around people who are quiet because they are harder to read. Maybe that makes us, with social anxiety, even more awkward, because we’re not only quiet, when we do say things, we generally don’t reveal much about ourselves.

    Great points! Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. The second thing happens to me sometimes as well. It’s probably because I usually try to be invisible in social situations :/

  13. It should be fixed now, thanks for letting me know

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