a little down

I’ve been feeling a bit low the past few days. I really miss Kansas City and my family. Talking on the phone with them just isn’t the same.

I’ve been running a lot. I signed up for the San Francisco Marathon. Running has become something to live for. I love it. I can’t explain it. I’ve never felt like I had any true hobbies or anything I’ve really loved in this world, but I do think I’ve found something–and it’s actually healthy.

I’m still waiting to hear back about the eight jobs I applied for at the public library. I’m already starting to lose hope. I applied for some teaching English jobs abroad for after I graduate in August.

Nothing much is happening right now, really.

I am thinking about ending therapy and just seeing my hypnotherapist and continue doing CBT with her. CBT has made such a tremendous difference in my life. It’s great! I know my hypnotherapist isn’t formally qualified to be working on CBT with me, but she’s recovering from social anxiety herself and has used CBT extensively–so I feel like she’s more qualified than my therapist.

I’m also thinking of getting off the Lamictal. I do not think I have Cyclothymia. I think my deep depressions happen within the context of social anxiety.

I am starting to accept myself more. I am who I am inside–and I am starting to be okay with that. I do have limitations, but I do have many positives as well–like all people. Most days I am happy and feel good about the future. I am excited (well, most of the time) about starting my internship in a few weeks, and I am just overall liking the direction I am going.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to Nick over at The Social Phobic. He’s been away for a while but now he’s back. He inspired me to start my blog and writing about my day-to-day experiences with social anxiety.

Thanks Nick. I hope all is well.

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11 responses to “a little down

  1. Thank you 🙂 Good luck with the job applications and I hope your CBT continues to go well.

  2. Good to see you’re feeling good about yourself. Seeing someone in my situation try to achieve things really helps lift my mood. I’m happy that you love running. When I do force myself to get out of my apartment and do some brisk walking, I can clearly feel better about everything. Exercise is a natural mood booster for sure. I’ve never participated in marathons because I can’t run for long. I guess I can still benefit from the brisk walking when I feel low enough to come up with something that might injure me severely.

    Although we have never met in person, I have a feeling that we would make good friends if we could meet. You and I seem to share many characteristics, so I think we would get along beautifully. Good luck with the job applications. Good to see that you try to reduce the amount of your medication. You will always have a big fan of your blog here in Japan!

    • Yes, exercise really lifts my mood. It’s a great distraction. I also think we’d make good friends as well. It seems as though we have a lot in common! 🙂

  3. I think I agree with you about the Cyclothymia thing. But I hope you don’t mind me being a little concerned about you wanting to choose an unqualified therapist…

    • Yeah, I know. I need to be careful. I tried bringing up the issue last night in therapy–with my regular therapist–but I just couldn’t get myself to say it. I need to talk to him about it soon.

  4. Hi Mike,
    I’m glad that you’ve found some perspective which is helping you get your life back on track. Running, job applications, impending internship all sound like good stabilizers. I’m afraid I agree with Karita about the therapist thing, though. I think it is a good idea to talk it through with your t.
    It’s good to hear you sounding well and with the energy to do productive things. Good luck with the applications!

  5. I’m glad you have found something that you love. I think something like running just naturally puts you into a different head space somehow. You say nothing much is happening but it sounds like a lot of good things are happening for you. You seem to be developing a balanced view of yourself. It’s encouraging to read.

    • You’re right: even though the changes are subtle, change is happening. It’s been hard, but I have been active. I’m realizing that my actions bring about a change in my feelings. I cannot wait around for myself to change–I have to act first.

  6. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit down. Running sounds awesome. I. wish I could run. I remember as a child that it was exhilarating!

  7. Congrats on signing up for the marathon and doing lots of running. Running can sure help with a lot of problems and I hope it does for you. And I think it is great that you are feeling positive about the future. Hopefully these couple of days of feeling down are just the normal up and down of life.

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