i am my only one

I don’t understand why I’m so tired all the time. Since I started my job and internship about a month ago, I’ve just been in a daze. The past two weeks have been particularly difficult. Am I just doing too much, too fast? My girlfriend thinks I should quit my job. “I think your internship is enough right now,” she said to me a few days ago. Maybe she’s right? I don’t know.

What I do know is that my depression has intensified. I don’t have much time to fret anymore, so anticipatory anxiety isn’t taking me over as much, and so social situations aren’t so bad. But–and there’s always a but–my depression has really been knocking me around.

I’m back to old habits. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve binged on food these past few weeks. I’m going on three days in a row right now. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired?

I started taking Chromium Picolinate last week because a Wikipedia article on Atypical depression said it could help–

It has been noted that patients with atypical depression often suffer from intense cravings for carbohydrates. A mineral supplement, chromium picolinate, was found to assuage these cravings. It also was found to have an antidepressant effect on some atypical depression sufferers.

I’ve stopped taking it, because I felt even worse on it. I binged more and harder, and felt even more tired. I felt like a zombie. Everything seemed to culminate on Sunday night when I found my girlfriend’s stash of Vicodin. I took ten pills and then got scared and went to the ER. I don’t really think the nurses or doctors knew what to do with me. I probably would have had to take at least fifty pills to do any real damage. I guess I just wanted attention. I don’t know. I’m still in a daze from that. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired.

I went with my boss today to a marijuana dispensary to help the managers set-up a budget and whatnot. I sat in on a meeting. I had no input. I just sat there while everybody else talked, laughed, and joked around. I’m just on a different level than everyone else. I’m going in some other direction. I could follow the conversation fine, but when I opened my mouth, I had nothing to say. That’s the best way I can describe social anxiety.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m tired of therapy and medication. I want to quit it all. It’s not helping. I’m just tired of trying. I’m not going to ever open up to people. I’m always going to direct my pain and negative feelings inside. Why is that not okay?

Being a therapist, my girlfriend has a hard time dealing with my depressions. She feels like that she is the only one I open up to–which is true–and she’s tired of being that one person. Long story short, we’re going to start seeing a couple’s counselor tomorrow. More therapy. I don’t think I can do it. I want to leave her. I want to leave my job, my school .. and go back home ..

I don’t know what happened on Sunday. I don’t know if I really tried to kill myself or not. But I do know is that something isn’t working. I’ve been on a bad path for a while now. Something has to change.


18 responses to “i am my only one

  1. ((((((Mike))))) Have you ever met with a psychiatrist before? Maybe a simple anti-depressant could bump you out of your funk. Good luck with couples therapy. I know it’s hard, but from the outside perspective, you have so many wonderful things going on in your life. I’m at home, secluded, and it makes things 10000000000x worse, not better. Please let us know how things go!

    • Yup. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, and Lexapro. Zoloft and Celexa left me in a daze, and I don’t think Lexapro did a thing. I’m on Lamictal right now to help keep me stabilized, but I don’t think that’s working.

    • I actually met with my p-doc on Tuesday. He seemed just as frustrated as me. “I can usually tell how my patients are doing, but I have a hard time reading you.” “You know it may be good that you get off drugs, because you’ve never really been open to them .. and with that attitude nothing will work.” Those are just some of the things he said. He likes to give tough love. But I felt like he was pushing me away.

  2. I’m shocked at your pdoc’s attitude quite frankly. Here you are, so down you made a suicide attempt, and he’s dispensing ‘tough love’. Honestly. He should be doing everything he can to reach you and help you. Is there anywhere else you can turn for support that could help? It’s no wonder you don’t feel like ‘opening up’.

    It’s not your fault that you have a hard time talking – that’s just how social anxiety is. Try not to beat yourself up about it. I know when depressed we beat ourselves up mercilessly…You do open up on this blog, so obviously you are able to open up. A lot of people would never ever do that.

    From my own experience, I know stress will bring on symptoms like anxiety and depression. So maybe your girlfriend is right that you are taking on too much too fast? If you could ratchet down the stress, it might help with the depression.

    I hope you find something that helps. Don’t give up.

    • Thanks! Yes, I do have other support. I’m feeling quite a bit better now, but I know it’s probably just the calm before another storm. I am working a little less now, so that has helped with the stress.

  3. I can’t offer advice, as I’m currently in my own emotional death roll of depression. I’m trying to just find one thing that I can feel I’m succeeding in, since a series of slow failures has triggered this latest episode, which I now realize has been going on for months. Can you identify what set you off so much that you took that Vicodin? I’m trying to separate out all the things that are making me depressed on the theory that dealing with them separately might be easier than just seeing my problems as one huge, amorphous blob.

    • I’m not really sure what triggered it. I’ve been in a deep depression for about three weeks now. I just don’t think my normal coping mechanism–binging–was working, so I turned to something stronger. I didn’t want to kill myself–I just wanted to not feel the way I was feeling. I agree that it’s hard to separate everything out.

  4. Mike,
    I’m sorry to hear you’re having so much trouble. It sounds like you’re overwhelmed. You went from not working to having two jobs. It’s not a wonder you’re tired. It’s too much too fast. Perhaps you’re girlfriend is right and you should quit your job.
    I hope you weren’t trying to end it by taking those pills, either way it signifies that you are distressed. Are you still seeing your therapist?
    I hope things get better. Remember to take care of yourself and if you have to quit your job to do that, then you should. You can write me if you need someone to listen.

    • Thanks! I am feeling better now. I’m working less and more on top of school. I still am seeing my therapist, but I think I may try to quit and find a new one. Something obviously isn’t working for me. I need a change.

  5. On one hand I was glad when I saw that you posted; on the other hand I’m sorry to hear regarding your current situation. I hope you find something that works for you.

  6. Hi Mike,
    I’m sorry you are going though tough times. I am also suffering from depression and social anxiety. I wanted to say that your incident with Vicodin sounds super serious to me. You did the right thing by going to the emergency room. Who cares about what the doctors of nurses might think. You survived this time but, who knows, one more pill and you really might have ended your life.
    Living with depression is a bitch, it makes life seem not worth living. It sucks out all of your energy and hope, and it makes you want to give up the things that you love the most, like your girlfriend.
    I had my last major depressive episode in August last year. Since then I have gotten 100times better, and I feel happy most of the time (although I am still fighting not to get relapsed). When I look back at the time I was depressed, I feel like I was half-dead already. I didn’t want to live my life any longer like that. So I quit everything, quit my job, quit pursuing my dream of becoming an artist, quit dealing with my family…. etc. and just focused on my health. I went on daily walks two-three times, ate, slept regularly, took medication, went to therapy, blogged, kept journal, stopped thinking about anything stress related. I was lucky because I had my wife who is very supportive and she supported me (still does) financially. After just few months of hard work, I started getting positive results already. My mood was better, I had more energy. I have to say it did take a LOT of work tough. My turning point was when I noticed that my life is at stake and I have to quit everything to take care of my health. Depression is that serious. Overcoming depression is a full-time job. If your girlfriend is suggesting you to quit your job, maybe thats something to consider about really carefully.

    I hope that my comment gives you some sort of input. I am certainly not an expert in this field and I haven’t read enough of your blog posts to fully understand what you are going through. I hope that anything that I said won’t offend you or anyone in anyway. I just wanted to say something because I’ve been in similar situation and I totally get what you are saying..

    Good luck, man

    • Thanks for the feedback/advice. I don’t think it’s right for me to quit and focus on my health, right now, as I pretty much just started to get my life in order. I felt good before I started my job and internship. I’m now thinking I just need to give myself time to adjust.

      I am glad that everything worked out for you. If I continue feeling this low for much longer, I will make some changes. I am probably going to start an SSRI next week, so I hope that will give me a boost.

      Thanks again! 🙂

  7. i see.. that sounds like a good idea. just keep going… better days will come and overcoming depression is possible…

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