I think part of the reason why I haven’t been writing much on here is because all I’ve really thought about these past few weeks is how I’m going to kill myself. I told myself it’s not good to entertain my suicidal thoughts in the past, and so I promised myself I wouldn’t do it on here–so instead I’m just doing it in my head. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about them, but I do want to start writing regularly again.

As many of you know, I was doing CBT for a few months last year. I thought it was working, and, I guess, to a certain degree it was. I was feeling a little better about myself, which, in turn, made social situations a little easier. But what I’ve come to realize is that no matter how good I do, I’m never good enough. I still think I’m a piece of shit, regardless. So what’s the point of changing my behaviors when my underlying feelings about myself are so negative?

So I’ve given up on CBT.

I also gravitated toward running. I thought that was helping me, emotionally. Sure, it was taking my mind off things, but I think it was really just suppressing a lot of my feelings.

Anyway, I originally had a point I wanted to make and I’m too tired to connect the dots so I’ll just get right to it. I think that deep down I am a good person. But no one really sees that because of the anxious front I put up. I have a good heart, but I just don’t belong .. anywhere.

That voice in my head–my ego–which tells me I can’t change and so I shouldn’t even try is getting stronger and more powerful. More and more, I divert my attention to him. I don’t know why I have to suffer anymore. I don’t know why I feel guilt for killing myself when I haven’t even done it, nor have I seriously tried it. I feel guilty for something I haven’t even done. Why?

Our culture is definitely more manic as a whole than depressive. We jam pack our days with activities, leaving little room for rest or thought. And when someone feels depressed we try to prop them up and when that fails, we medicate them. We don’t try to understand them. It’s just another case of people being afraid of something they don’t understand.

I wonder how many people have felt such a deep depression that I’m going through. How many people have dealt with an existential crisis like this? I mean I want to die. I don’t want to be here anymore–and it’s not fair that I feel so much guilt over that. No one asked me if I wanted to be here, so I don’t owe anybody anything. Does that make me selfish?

And yet, even as I write this I can hear another voice–a voice that wants to survive.


15 responses to “crisis

  1. Mike,

    I started reading your blog a few weeks ago and it has very much helped me deal with my own feelings of despair and inadequacies. I too suffer from Social anxiety and depression, and hearing about your experiences has helped me feel less alone in my struggle to feel better.

    I just want you to know that in times like this when you are feeling so much pain, you have to try to believe that you are a lot stronger than you think that you are. Believing in my own strength and in the fact that such intense pain is temporary has helped me get through the darkest moments in my life. That other voice that you are hearing – the voice that wants to survive is the voice of your authentic self, of your stronger self and you have to do your best to focus on that voice until it speaks to you louder than the voice of depression.

    I’ve felt like taking my own life many times, not because I wanted to end my life, but because I wanted to end the pain. I too felt that life is not worth living if it is to be filled with so much despair and anguish for me, but no matter what, even in the midst of that despair, I always felt something instinctually that pushed me to keep on going, and the guilt that I felt for wanting to take my own life was due to the fact that deep down inside, I truly did want to live. I just didn’t want to keep feeling the despair, the worthlessness, the emotional exhaustion and etc.

    Looking back, I believe that I am very fortunate for deciding to continue on, and I realize now that there is a purpose to all this pain I’ve felt in dealing with myself and living my life. I know you’ll find that purpose for yourself and when you do, it’ll make the struggle worthwhile.

    • Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. I’m glad you found a purpose in your life. I feel like I’m just spinning around and around, faster and faster, and I’m either going to spin out of control, or I’ll eventually just abruptly stop and land on something randomly and go with that, as my purpose. It all feels so out of control.

      My girlfriend doesn’t like to talk to me when I’m feeling this low, because she says it’s like she’s talking to someone else, or it’s like I’m drunk. I do feel like someone else. I feel like the depression has put me to sleep.

      I hope I find my purpose soon.

  2. I am so happy to have you back. I know we haven’t know each other long, but your absence left a hole in my life all the same.

    I’m sorry that you’re facing this. This is, in my opinion, the heart of depression. I can’t answer you about the guilt issue, but I think it’s something those who have had any serious depressive episodes have also faced. It’s an endless sea of reasoning that never comes to an end.

    I’m glad you decided what is working and what is not. Will you explore another therapy option? Are you still going for hypnosis?

    Perhaps writing again here, will help to ease the depression some. I’ve genuinely missed you.

    • I’ve missed you too. I don’t know what I’m going to do. For now, I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing. I’m going to try Lexapro again–maybe that will give me the boost I need. I’m not going to hypnotherapy anymore. I think my hypnotherapist sort of gave up on me. I kept canceling appointments due to my depression. She’s not returning my emails or phone calls.

  3. Yes, I have felt as you have many times; yet, suicide isn’t an option for me. I feel guilty for my thoughts often too. Sometimes they overpower the positive and I stumble really hard, which in turn feeds into the negative self-concept. The vicious cycle, we go thru. I ride the rollercoaster all of the time. It is hard to come up sometimes ’cause it almost feels that the next episode leads further down, which assists the state to stay down all the more, as we tend to feel down more so then up. I hope that made sense?

    I think writing more would be good for you in addition to the support of the friendships you have made will help you a lot more. You are never alone in your feelings and sorrows. We ALL have days like this!


    • Yes, you make perfect sense. The depression pushes you further and further down, fueling the negative cycle. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to STOP it. To tell you the truth, I like the downward spiral sometimes. It’s familiar, and it’s also just too hard sometimes to think about anything else. I used to only feel like this for like two or three days at a time. But now, the days have turned into weeks. I need relief.

  4. Hi Mike, longtime lurker here. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Reading this, I know exactly what you mean, because I’ve been there, and fairly frequently. It’s the pits of despair. It all feels so unfair, and there’s the feeling of not wanting to continue mixed with wanting to live to see better days. CBT just may not be the answer for you, maybe you can explore another form of therapy? I know, it feels like nothing can help at the moment, but I know you can pull through.

  5. “And when someone feels depressed we try to prop them up and when that fails, we medicate them. We don’t try to understand them. It’s just another case of people being afraid of something they don’t understand.”

    I like this part of what you wrote because you’re right– I believe your right– and I want (need) more people in the world who get this, so that there’s a chance that it will change, at least a little, if only by having a chance to type to each other about it and to help each other believe it doesn’t have to be that way.

    I’m sad to know you feel so down but glad you shared it with us instead of feeling alone with it. And I’m happy to know you’re thinking of coming back to blogging. I think your good heart shows here. I think you can slowly feel more belonging with people. I wonder if you would like therapy that deals with feelings more. I don’t know much about different kinds of therapy, but I liked emotionally focused therapy. I like what you’ve written about CBT before too and I think you helped me get some things out of that.

    I’ve been inspired by the Dalai Lama and reread him recently. Don’t know if it will seem relevant to you, but here’s what helped me through some depressive feelings. “We all desire to be happy…. It is in our nature. As such, it needs no justification and is validated by the simple fact that we naturally and correctly want this.”

    • All humans want to be happy and free from suffering, that’s what makes us human. It means that deep down we are all the same. Thinking about that makes me feel connected. Thanks for the comments!

  6. Hi Mike,
    Sounds like you are going through a really tough time. Being suicidal everyday… I’ve been there too. For me it was very foggy, and I really didn’t have the sense of reality. I think you are doing a good job starting to blog again, and jog??? wow that’s really good. and I think it was good that you mentioned about your suicidal thoughts briefly. I really get what you said about you not wanting to entertain your suicidal thoughts. It makes a lot of sense, and I feel that way too.

    I get tired of trying to fight depression sometimes too. Depression is like sooo tough to beat. But you gotta be really patient and believe that you are doing the right thing to fight it.

  7. coming late to the comment thread, but just wanted to say that this is one of those rare instances where I can tell someone that I really feel your pain and mean it–I’ve been there, please hang on, your blog is wonderful and I’m sure that your life problems mask what is good about you from you.

  8. I can relate to what you wrote. If the pain is too much, then it may be better if you just pull the plug. I haven’t really talked about this with others and I’m guessing it’s hard to compare the level of pain one feels but as SA and the various symptoms became really intense and pretty much even hope was gone, I did attempt suicide. (When I say attempt, I mean, I did my part … and it was beyond me I guess that my plan didn’t fully work out. It wasn’t easy … I did consider doing it but still kept postponing it for about a year until the “final” day). That was the worst point in my life and that emotional low continued for a long time, and life went on … I used to keep thinking that I was “lucky” and there is still something I am here to do.

    In those days, even the Internet wasn’t around … so just like many people, I thought I was the only one with those kind of problems. Actually, maybe part of the problem was that I didn’t even exactly know what I was dealing with and what choices I have for solution. But eventually, hopelessness turned to hope and hope to belief. That’s when real change began.

    At this point, my current belief is that we are here to:
    1) do certain things (life path/ life purpose / life mission)
    2) learn certain lessons (life lessons)

    Now that anxiety is almost not an issue, it seems to me that my life has been about learning lessons up to this point and had to “postpone” the things that I wanted to do (I’ll continue under the next post)

  9. Well now, here’s the thing, if there’s one thing I know about it’s going from a place of depression, self hatred and anxiety to a place of confidence and self belief. Because I did it.

    If you want to work with me on this, you can. You know where to find me.

  10. Incredible! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a totally different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Excellent choice of colors!

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