empty shell

I’m still here. I guess. Still here, with little to say. Today I went to the grocery store, the bank, and the drug store. I walked through the park and rented a movie. I ate a burrito and drank a glass of wine. I can’t explain it but I know the depression is returning. I’m scared. The last wave changed me.

My girlfriend asked me last week “what happened to the reader, writer, runner, librarian Mike?” Depression destroyed that person. I don’t have much left. This time, the depression may leave me with nothing.

I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t go through that again.

I wish I could explain just how claustrophobic I feel right now. There’s someone else living inside of me, forcing me to think things I never imagined were possible just a few months ago.

I’m so lonely. I’m thinking about my family. I haven’t talked to any of them in months. I hope they’re okay and not worried about me.

It’s hard to form thoughts into words. When I focus on the emotions, my head begins to spin–I begin to spin. I wonder if any of you have felt like this before. I’m still here. But I feel like an empty shell.

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6 responses to “empty shell

  1. Hey Mike, definitely know the feeling you are talking about. I get it in the sense that it feels as though I am walking around behind a fog, everything seems distant and nothing seems to grab my interest. Those feelings come and go for me, but I find doing something I enjoy helps them to pass quicker. Having fallen to the same mentality many times there isn’t much advice I could give you, except to remind you to take care of yourself. Try to appreciate the sunshine, however distant it may seem, x
    jessicabarlow

  2. Hi Mike,
    Nice to see you back.
    Perhaps you should call your family. You seemed to be happy when you visited them last. It doesn’t have to be an intense conversation, just a hello and an update.
    I definitely know what you are talking about, At least I think I do. It’s like my head is doing a half spin and I can’t get my bearings. The inside of my head swims and I cannot pinpoint any sort of feeling or thought. It’s a very peculiar and unpleasant feeling.
    I hope you’re getting through the end of the semester. I know this is a particularly difficult time for me. Please take care of yourself. Not much else to say…just here.

  3. I don’t have any strong words of wisdom, unfortunately. I know feeling of sinking back in. Just wanted to let you know I’m reading and thinking about you. (((((Mike)))))

  4. How are you getting on? Thinking of you…..

  5. I kind of know how you feel. For as long as I can remember I have had another person inside of me telling me that I am worthless and deserve to die. I dont know how to shut him up, and I am too poor to seek professional help. When I talked to my friends about this, they act like i’m telling some big joke and blow me off. That then makes me think that this voice is right. He tells me my friendsdespise me, my family hates me, and my boss thinks i’m incompitant. I have even attempted to kill myself before, but couln’t do it. Now he says i’m too stupid to even do that right, and that’s why everone hates me and wishes I were dead. I sincerely hope you can find help to feel better, because I hate knowing that anyone else would have to feel this way. It’s a sick curse that makes you feel helpless. I even tried turning to religion to help, but I just cant get rid of him. Sorry if I… Sorry

    • I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. I’ve been where you’re at and know exactly how it feels. There’s lots of low-cost forms of therapy out there. Don’t use the money thing as an excuse. I know it’s scary to start therapy and actually deal with things, but it’s the only way.

      I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

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