depression as waves

Sorry, I haven’t been writing or even responding to comments. I think I know why. As depression deepens, rational thought fades away. Often I’ll sit down at the computer with intentions to write a post, but I’ll only be able to muster a few words. It used to be that I was only flooded with emotions during social situations. Now I find myself flooded most of the day.

One of the most frustrating parts of major depression–even when it’s gone–is that it strips everything from you, everything you used to enjoy in life.

I do all I can to keep the emotions at bay during work, as I work in accounting now and if I let them take control, the numbers just jumble together. Then when I leave, the emotions flood in, demanding to be seen.

I’m powerless. Calling what I’m going through “depression” is not fair. I’m not going through a tiny spell of the blues. This is something much deeper and much more profound. I don’t know what to call it other than madness. I don’t think I’ve quite gone mad yet–I’ve been able to keep my life somewhat together–but the madness is there in front of me, like a giant wave, and all I can do is hunker down in a fetal position and protect myself the best I can.

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13 responses to “depression as waves

  1. ((((((Mike)))))) We’re always here for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe you should try and talk to someone to relieve the pressure a bit.

  2. I don’t think it’ s madness. I think you’re trying to feel and resisting it with all your might at the same time. Feelings won’t kill you. Trying to keep a lid on them always might. IMO. You could write about your feelings – you might find you have lots to say about that. Leave the rational thoughts by the wayside. Feeling things is good – though it involves feeling painful emotions also. Just a different perspective for you Mike.

    • My therapist says the same things. I wish it were that easy. And I know it is, but in those dark moments, it’s hard to remember that.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. I can relate to this right now.

    • Hey there. I’m sorry for your pain. The only thing that can be said is that it will pass. I can’t tell you when, but eventually you will feel better.

  4. I’m so with you right now. I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through what you are. It doesn’t work when I tell myself this, but I’ll tell you that you are a very valuable human being, and I hope you’re able to see that value someday soon and learn to be confident in it. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog and I hope you continue to post.

  5. Thanks! 🙂

  6. I’m glad to see you posting and replying. I hope that this wave ebbs soon and that life becomes a bit easier. It eventually does y’know. It’s unbearable when it’s here, but when it passes it’s difficult to understand the mind state you were in or the thoughts that wandered in when you were at your worst. Just remember that it will get better. Is your semester over?

    • Thanks! I am feeling slightly better, I guess. It’s hard to tell. I have two weeks left in the semester. I’m barely hanging on. How about you?

  7. Same here…two weeks. I’m having a very tough time, but somehow I envision everything being finished in time, even if it seems partially delusional. I can’t wait until it’s over. Good luck!

  8. Really missing you Mike. I hope things are going better for you and the depression has lessened.

    • I’m missing you too. I haven’t been well, honestly. Depression has really sucked the life right out of me. I’m going to try to get a post out soon, as I really need to get some of my thoughts and feelings out.

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