Leap of Faith

So: I can’t change how I feel in social situations because I can’t change my beliefs, and I can’t change my beliefs because I can’t change how I feel in social situations.

Right now my life is like this: beliefs + action = I’m a fucking failure

For example, I just RSVP’d “yes” for a game night on Friday. My thoughts are already telling me I’ll be awkward, people will see that I’m awkward, and because of this they won’t like me, etc. etc. etc. These thoughts will probably intensify over the week, culminating with me telling myself I’m going to fail and I probably will fail if I’m telling myself I’ll fail–which will reinforce my beliefs. So … what do I do? Logic tells me it’s irrational to believe I’ll just wake up one morning and be anxiety free–hence, change must come from my beliefs. But how can I change my beliefs if they are just reinforced by my actions? Leap of faith? Whatever that means. Suddenly believing everything will be fine is absurd. My beliefs are deep-seeded. As beliefs become stronger and stronger, they sink deeper and deeper in my intuition. Change must come there but it has to start in my logic.

I’m thinking too much about this. Off to do some CBT …


5 responses to “Leap of Faith

  1. I’m familiar with this cycle and it sucks. The more I fret about an upcoming encounter, the worse it will turn out. I don’t know if this is rooted in depression or what, but lately I’ve just been not caring how I come across. If I’m awkward…then I’m awkward. I figure I’ll redeem myself at some point later on, at some future date. The thing about this is, that it works because I’m not invested in not appearing a certain way, so then I don’t dwell on it and I loosen up, consequently being less awkward and sometimes…even a pleasure.
    This doesn’t always work (class for example) but I find that it’s working more in social situations, lately and for now I will take advantage of the apathy.
    Just have fun tonight.

  2. I’ve tried the apathetic route many times. Often, I go into a social situation telling myself I don’t care what people think. Logically, I may not care, but as soon as I get into the situation, intuition takes over and tells me I should care–and then I do. Honestly, I have had some successes not caring when I’m feeling depressed; however, in most cases no matter how depressed I am, the anxiety always takes over in the social event.

    All that said, last night went really well! I held my ground with nine people. I still felt a bit anxious, but it wasn’t overpowering!

  3. Yeah…that’s the catch I guess. You have to be depressed enough not to care.
    I don’t know which one is worse.

  4. Hey Mike,

    I can totally relate to the cycle of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. running through my mind constantly. It’s like the more that you try to figure it out the worse and more self conscious you become. I think it is key to realize that you don’t have to believe your thoughts. They are neutral. Not true or false just thoughts that your mind is in the habit of thinking. That is what I am working on right now. Just no longer believing any thoughts that tell me I am insignificant or that I am socially awkward or have nothing to offer this world. It’s all bullshit. We each have gifts that this world is eagerly awaiting. We wouldn’t exist if we didn’t matter. That’s my belief anyway. Good to hear that the event went well the other night.

    • Thanks! Great attitude, and you’re right: thoughts are neutral. They are beliefs, not true or false. It’s easy to forget that, taking all beliefs as truths.

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