I Don’t Know

I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I should say something because I’m feeling so low. I’ve been trying to track my mood this week–and it’s been all over the place, as usual. But it’s been quite a bit worst this past day or so. I cannot deal with so many fluctuations in one day. In a span of three hours earlier, I went from low to high to low–and I don’t know why.

I don’t know what to say to my therapist tonight. I don’t know whether I should tell him about some of the thoughts I’ve had in my head these past few days. I don’t know how to distinguish between non-harmful suicidal thoughts and harmful one’s–and I don’t think he does either.

I don’t know what to say to my girlfriend when she leaves me tonight to go visit her family. I’m scared that I’m going to binge. I’m scared of the negative thoughts I’ll have. I’m scared of her being disappointed with me, again.

I don’t know what I’m going to say to people at the wedding. I don’t know who I’ll talk to. I don’t know how I’ll act.

I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry I’ve been so low as of late. I hope I start feeling better after the wedding. I hope you still like me, even though I’ve been so low. I’m not trying to grab attention or anything, I’m just being honest .. for once. I hope I can do the same in therapy tonight.


15 responses to “I Don’t Know

  1. High or low, we still like you πŸ™‚ No worries. Try to be kind to yourself…things are rough when moods are low.

    • Thanks! You know, after I read your comment earlier, I told myself, “The way I am feeling is temporary, it will pass,” and I just stayed occupied. I got a lot of school work done and got a run in. I am feeling better now and a little more optimistic about my situation and my therapy session later.

  2. Hey Mike,

    How are you feeling now? Sounds like you’re dealing with so many emotions right now, and I know how terrifying it must be for you. I was feeling so low recently I feared I might even do something to kill myself. I thought I might do actually something harmful so I immediately got out of my apartment when those intense fears and impulses started to attack me so suddenly. You may not feel like it, but I would suggest that you get out of your place and go somewhere you can feel comfortable like a coffee shop.

    You don’t need to force yourself to say something to your therapist if you don’t feel like saying anything at all. The mere presence of someone who cares about you helps. If you do come up with what you want to say and feel like expressing it, then by all means do it. You are feeling and facing a lot of feelings right now, and you still managed to write this post, which I think is a great accomplishment considering how much pain you are in right now.

    Mike, this is your blog and you deserve all the necessary help to feel good. You do not need to feel sorry or apologetic or anything when you express yourself. I’m so proud of you that you were honest enough to write this post and express yourself. I don’t know if I can do this by the end of this week, but I will try to write a post about what I went through when I had to go attend my sister’s wedding. Right now, I can say that I was and am OK despite so many negative emotions associated with the event. You may find it a little irritating for me to say this, but I know you are and will be OK. Believe me. I know it can be difficult at times for anyone to believe in an online friendship, but there are always people around you both offline and online who care about you and enjoy your company. I’m one of those people.

    As I said in a recent comment for you, you are always more than welcome to e-mail me and get whatever you have off your chest if you like. I’m a depressive, and I constantly deal with many emotional upheavels, so I can easily imagine what you must be going through. Because you and I live in different countries and there is a time difference, I may not be able to respond to you right away. Still, I do write back whenever someone writes to me. I’m sorry that you have to suffer like that. I hope you feel better soon. Take care!

    • Hey Takashi- I read your post after I went for a run. I pushed myself hard, and I was already feeling very emotional–but your post pushed me over the top. I just burst into tears. Thank you. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. When I started this blog, I never thought I’d really connect with anyone, and yet now I feel like I am surrounded by people who care about me. I think my online relationships have only strengthened the few remaining connections I have offline as well. Again, I want to say how amazed I am each and every time I read your writing. Your English is not only amazing; I can feel every word. You’re a powerful, emotional writer. I wish I could read some of your Japanese writing. Anyway, thanks again! πŸ™‚

  3. Aristotle said “the only thing i know is that i know nothing”. In French will call that “aporie”. And that s ok to “don’t know” to be lost from time to time. You ve got ressources you ve mentionned in previous post *CBT and i really hope they re goanna help you get through this tough days.

    Additionnally, you re saying “I’m just being honest .. for once”. I think your blog is full of truth, full of lived experiences, thoughts and feelings that are deeply analysed. You re taking us on a journey toward the management/recovery of your social anxiety disorder and for that i m grateful as it helped me reflect on the mental health issues i am facing. I hope your therapy session went well.

    • Thanks Astrid! I studied parts of Aristotle’s works in college. I guess I should have paid more attention. πŸ™‚ I do sometimes feel like I am on a journey. I have no idea where it’s taking me, but I am glad (most of the time) I am on it. Writing and sharing about it has made both the highs and lows feel much higher and lower than they really are (I wish I could explain that better). Anyway, I hope all is well for you. Take care!

  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down lately. I’ve had those up and down days too, and they’re not much fun. I hope you can really get something out of your appointment tonight, and I hope you’re feeling more *up* than *down* in the near future.

    It looks like you have a lot of support here, and I think that’s wonderful.

    No apologies allowed for honesty. I, for one, truly appreciate the honesty. πŸ™‚

    • Thanks! The holidays this year are going to be tough, and I feel like there’s going to be a lot more lows than highs in the coming months, but I’ll get through it–somehow. Thanks again for commenting. I hope you stick around! πŸ™‚

  5. Hey Mike,
    I hope therapy went well and you’re feeling a bit better.
    You should never feel that you have to apologize for anything you write on your blog nor should you ever censor yourself.
    The mood changes have been ridiculous with me to, lately. I’m at the point now where I just distract myself and expect my perspective to change in a couple of hours. It’s good that you got yourself to go out for a run. Keep doing things like that. Remember it always passes.

    • Thanks! Therapy went .. okay, I guess. I’m going to post about it later. Yeah, I was amazed too that I was able to go out for the run. It made all the difference.

  6. One more to join your huddle of people feeling crappy. All my words have fallen out of my head so I’m just sending *Hugs*. Oh, and I still like you. πŸ™‚

  7. It’s ok to not know what to say. I hope it’s ok, anyway, because I frequently don’t know what to say! Maybe that is part of the anxiety – thinking you should always have something interesting to say. That’s a lot of pressure.

    It’s ok to have nothing to say too. Frankly I can’t stand people who must fill up silences with drivel. No words is fine, silence is golden.

    How about if you just say to everyone, “I don’t know what to say.” And see what happens.

    • Hey Harriet- That’s an interesting strategy–

      Someone: “How’s it going, Mike?”
      Me: “I don’t know what to say.”
      (Awkward pause)
      Someone: “Um .. How did you like the ceremony?”
      Me: “Did you not hear me? I don’t know what to say!”

      I should approach job interviews like that.

      Joking aside, I think I am actually going to try to tell someone, beside my g/f, that I am flooded with anxiety (which I surely will be) and I just don’t know what to say.

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