I had a good Thanksgiving. My girlfriend and I stayed the night at her brother’s house on Wednesday. On Thursday, I got up early, went for a short run, popped an Ativan (plus my normal medication), and started cooking.
It was a relaxing morning, spent with my girlfriend and her brother and sister-in-law. I felt calm and at ease. I’ve been spending more time with them as of late, and thus am feeling a lot more comfortable around them. I wouldn’t say I’ve connected more with them; it’s more like I’m easing up a bit around them and overall less tense because I’ve been seeing so much of them lately (see my issue on constancy for more info).
I took another Ativan before the rest of the family arrived, and when they arrived (10 in all), I tried to stay as busy as possible–I helped in the kitchen, played with the cat, set the table, etc.–and, honestly, I felt good. In all, it was a success–and I actually enjoyed myself!
The medication really helped. Unlike in the past, I took it preemptively. That is, I took the Ativan as soon as I felt an inkling of anxiety in my body, instead of waiting until I was flooded. This helped to break the anxiety cycle. By taking the medication early, I didn’t allow the anxiety (thoughts and physical symptoms) to build on itself. In other words, I broke the cycle before I reached a point where nothing, not even numbing myself on alcohol, can bring relief.
I noticed a huge difference in my thoughts, as well. They weren’t as negative. More neutral, I guess. This can be attributed directly to CBT. It’s really starting to help, especially when coupled with medication. I’m breaking up the negative thought patterns and experiencing less anticipatory anxiety.
Speaking of which, this past week or two, I’ve been able to manage my anticipatory anxiety better. Writing, exercising, working on school, that sort of thing, has helped me to avoid my negative thoughts. Instead of wallowing in my negative thoughts, I’ve been active.
I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to approach Thanksgiving as a social experiment–to see if I could avoid becoming flooded. Well, I succeeded, and I am proud of myself. I also felt very connected to people, and I do believe (for now, at least) that the people around me care about me and my well being. At the dinner table, we all went around the table saying what we were grateful for. When it came to be my turn, I said–
“I’m grateful for being surrounded by such wonderful people who care about me.” In my head I told myself that I was grateful for just being able to connect with my thoughts in a group social situation–and not feeling flooded from talking in a circle. (Usually when there’s a group circle where people go around introducing themselves or something, I get flooded. I DO NOT like those situations at all.)
Finally, as weird as this sounds, I’m actual looking forward to future social situations to see how I fare. I want to build on this success. I want to experiment more.
I want to say more, but I’m really tired (I’m sure that’s reflected in this post) and need sleep. So, I’m off to bed. Good night. I hope everyone is doing well. 🙂
Unhappy Happiness 